Coastal Living by Bernard Heise

Aware of the significance of school ranking for real estate professionals, Tony developed his Beach Flesh Index© as an investment tool to rank community beaches. He quickly gained subscribers, but the project was difficult. The index capitalized on American obsessions about weight and youth. But a proper ranking meant considering not merely the presence of lean but also the absence of fat. What good was a beach graced by a few lithe lovelies if they were lost among mountains of quivering thighs? Youth was also a problem. The ideal body was between, say, eighteen and twenty-eight. Age naturally brought values down – not much for a thirty-five year old, but a significant geriatric presence was devastating (the curve was exponential). Children, too, proved bothersome. Clearly, one could not simply balance a bevy of twelve-year olds against a cadre of codgers – this would produce a pedophilic fantasy incongruent with the values of the American homeowner. But what really distressed Tony were the proactive measures of his subscribing real estate associations. Already they were pressing for ordinances requiring that all beach visitors with a Body Mass Index over 25 be fully clothed, or making beach access contingent upon the presentation of an annual pass that could only be obtained by submitting medical reports and birth certificates. Even worse, they were hiring thugs to breakup boardwalks to discourage access by people with disabilities. But Tony shrugged off such concerns, for the money was good and he was building a place in Whitefish, Montana.


Filed under Bernard Heise

3 responses to “Coastal Living by Bernard Heise

  1. guy

    This almost sounds like something the pr guy in the 42nd Parallel would do. I think when you first meet him he’s making a play for a woman with money, then he’s quickly on to selling beach homes.

  2. R.G. MacLeod

    I like it. It reminds me of stuff that happens in town/city council meetings all along the coast.

  3. Very wry humor! I like it!

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