State of the Union by Bernard Heise

Responding to the court’s decision to overturn the Defense of Marriage Act, Congress redefined marriage as a Union of Opposites.  The point was to discriminate against same-sex couples without referring directly to men and women in the law and to thereby sneak one past the Justices.  But as was its wont, Congress acted hastily and without reading the final legislation and thus gave homosexuals a long-awaited opportunity.  Instead of marrying as man-and-man or woman-and-woman, hordes of gays and lesbians sealed their love as short-and-tall, thin-and-fat, right-handed-and-left-handed.  The wrath of God was immediate.  The mighty US ship-of-state shuttered and shook as it tore along the dotted lines which distinguished it from Canada in the North and Mexico in the South.  Its planking opened up along every longitude from Maine to California.  And in a devastating instant, the Lower 48 collapsed into the earth.  Canadian soldiers armed with hockey sticks swarmed out of Whitehorse to conquer Alaska and battalions of pensioners from Vancouver and Toronto, kept spry by socialized healthcare, dropped from the skies to take Hawaii. Ironically, Ottawa imposed same-sex marriage on both of these new acquisitions.  While this last development led believers to question the ways of God, they soon discerned the wisdom of his plan when they realized that the collapse of the USA created space for the rising tides of global warming and opened up the trade route between Europe and China, thus finally giving Christendom something it had been praying for since the days of Christopher Columbus.

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