BAYOU SUNDAY by Ramon Collins

Shadows grew longer. Across the bayou a lonely crow put in a long-distance call to an old girlfriend.  Alvin bent forward and wiped his forehead with the front of his T-shirt. “Have mercy, it is hot. Let’s peel off some clothes an’ dive in.”

“Too many cottonmouths ’round here,” Lottie said.

Alvin scooted nearer to her. “You got one nice-lookin’ built on ya. That’ll sure bring out the nature inna man.”

Lottie leaned away. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“L’see how big they are.”

Lottie jumped to her feet and jammed her hands onto slim hips. “No way–”

“Gawdammit, there you go gettin’ all riled-up agin. One little peek will hurt none. Please?” he pleaded.

“No.”

Alvin stood and yawned.  “Man can’t always be held responsible for what happens — I better mosey on back. Fish ain’t bitin’ for shit, anyhow.”

“Fish don’t feed good ‘til the sun drops.” Lottie glanced around. “Oh, all right, but you can’t touch.”

She unbuttoned her blouse halfway down. Alvin’s eyes widened. “Mercy! Kin I touch just one?”

“No, you cannot.”

“Just one?”

“NO!”

“Gimme a good reason.”

Lottie frowned. “There’s a real good reason.”

They fished in silence for awhile then drew in their lines, packed the fishing gear and trudged to the road that led back to town. A half-mile down the road, Lottie turned off on a path.

“Be fishin’ next Sunday?” he asked.

She paused, but didn’t look back. “I won’t be fishin’ with you anymore, Uncle Alvin.”

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11 Comments

Filed under Ramon Collins

11 responses to “BAYOU SUNDAY by Ramon Collins

  1. lottie might not want to go fishing anymore with shrewd lewd alvin but i want to see where this is going. great story telling, ramon.

  2. Al McDermid

    UNCLE Alvin! Ouch. I mean, it was creepy before the last line . . .

  3. Love the way this played out in scene and dialogue, so real, and then the denoument ending line– yikes! Great flash !

  4. Kerry Hendrickson

    Eww… that’s “a real good reason” alright!
    I enjoyed the dialogue. And the flash!

  5. Ramon, you paint these folks SO large! Love this, you nailed the ending. Great job with the dialect, too — you never overdo it. Peace…

  6. The dialogue was great but wow- creepy ending!

  7. guy

    I like the tension between the characters and the way Lottie’s resistance comes out. Well done.

    It’s consistent with the details and the way Lottie reacts to him, but i thought Alvin was creepy enough without being her uncle. The surprise revelation draws attention away from the dialogue and Lottie’s struggle to keep Alvin at arm’s length, all of which is really well done.

  8. Kelly Grotke

    well done – a whole world in less than 250 words.

  9. Pingback: Week #18 – Lucky Number « 52|250 A Year of Flash

  10. Lou

    Oh my goodness! I love this, it just came right to life. Love the name Lottie, too.

  11. I love the “Yes, I will… no, I won’t.” It took me back to those innocent days when girls were curious but not that curious. The Uncle Alvin surprise at the end was fun, but I think the beginning could have gone in a dozen other directions. It’s rich in possibilities. Doris”

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