Dear Ms. Reller:
This is the last time you will receive a written notice from us. Your animals must be removed from the premises immediately. Failure to honor this request will result in another call to Animal Control.
Enclosed please find another copy of complaints filed with the Avenue Association, in order of receipt:
1. Mrs. Hornsby has stepped in your dog’s poop 14 times. In her own yard.
2. Mrs. Gabriel reports that her two young children have been traumatized by the guinea pig incidents. (involving your free roaming guinea pigs and our neighborhood bald eagle, who is a very messy eater, apparently.)
3. Ms. Baker is unable to retrieve the cantaloupe rinds and corn cobs your goddamned squirrel pulls out of your garden compost and deposits on the roof of her shed.
4. Mr. Wilkins is tired of moving your dog’s poop from his yard in to Mrs. Hornsby’s, even if it is funny to watch her step in it.
5. Mrs. Gabriel would like you to remove the decapitated body of Mr. Snuffles that the eagle left atop her mailbox. It is starting to smell.
6. You have a squirrel? For real?
7. Mrs. Gabriel reports that her mailbox is covered with maggots, and other unappetizing things. She believes the maggots may be your pets as well.
8. Our community bylaws specifically prohibit camels. Even camels that are called “llamas.”
9. Your camel spit on Mrs. Gabriel again today. While eating maggots.
The Avenue Association Board
Return to This Week’s Flash