Body to Go by Matt Potter

I’m squatting naked over the hand mirror, feet cold on the terrazzo floor, looking at my winking arsehole. It reminds me of her face: eyes sloe, nose tiffed, lips harrumphing. And the badge bobbing above her right breast: ‘Tiahna – your friendly trainee’.

I glop the paintbrush in the crab lotion and slather it on my hole, perineum, under my balls. I favour broad strokes – no pointless pointillism – but stab the cracks and folds precisely. The crab lotion tingles and burns, stinging all senses.

And I have my entire body to go! Arms, chest, stomach, underarms, back, pubic hair, legs, feet, toes.

Yes, I am that hairy. Yes, the crabs have taken over.

EARLIER

Tiahna – factory-fresh, rust-free, go-go-figured circa nineteen year-old Norwood Chemist junior – inched the Benzemul Application bottle from the top shelf.

“Do you sell paintbrushes too?” I asked.

She handed the bottle to me, nostrils glaring.

My head steamed. “I might be forty-nine but I can still get crabs!” I said. “Which you get from fucking.”

Distaste churned in her face.

“I’m infested with pubic lice,” I spat. “I need a lot of paintbrushes to apply this stuff. Although a dipping vat would be better, but I bet you don’t sell vats either.”

Tiahna shook her head, scanning and bagging the Benzemul bottle.

LATER

I unfold to a stand, forty-nine year-old knees cracking. Swapping to a broader brush, I slather my chest. Then stop.

A paint roller would work so much better. And I’m scratching to see Tiahna again.

.

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9 Comments

Filed under Matt Potter

9 responses to “Body to Go by Matt Potter

  1. The imagery must excel–I couldn’t read it!

  2. Ewwwwwwwww! Very well described because I’m really grossed out now. :)

  3. Al McDermid

    When a story starts with ‘my winking arsehole’, I have to wonder where else it can go. Great job making this severely unpleasant scenario humorous. I am left wondering though, who’s the brutal friend, Tiahna or the crab dispenser?

  4. Hahaha! You certainly grab attention with that opening! Very inventive. Peace…

  5. Sweet Jesus Matt I’m only now able to breathe. Laughing and crying and more laughter. I..umm..spent some time in the Philippines as a young sailor and can sympathize with the protagonist. Cheers.

  6. Thanks to all thus far what have read – or partially read – ‘Body to go’. It was fun to write and it did make me laugh doing so. Am glad those who got through it enjoyed (or partly enjoyed) the ride!

  7. Pingback: Week #22 – The brutality of friends « 52|250 A Year of Flash

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