god by Matt Potter

In bed late that night, Larry dribbling into his pillow beside me, I wrote two new headings on the pad: Liabilities on the left, including the fees for the twins’ exclusive girls’ school underneath. And Assets on the right. And included Larry’s life insurance.

I hadn’t meant to turn it into a Joan Crawford moment, but when he stood in the hallway weeping into his hands saying, “I’ve lost my job,” I looked down at my Charles Jourdan pumps with the gold pom-poms and immediately went online and bought twenty Versace t-shirts.

Secondhand.

And after I bustled Cashmere and Chambré off to bed, fear in their eyes as they wondered at the strange noises coming from Larry in the toilet, I’d sunk against the 100% goose down pillows with the amazingly high thread count Egyptian cotton pillowslips and I’d started my first list.

            Decant cheap wine into more expensive bottles, I’d written.
            Buy cheaper cuts of venison.
           Buy lots of lotto tickets.

The litany of tough decisions scrawled on.

           Stencil Gucci on no-name jeans.
           Buy cheap chocolate and scrape the name off.

I looked over and watching the saliva encrusting in the corner of Larry’s mouth, my heart sank. I knew a breach of promise suit, charging we were not being kept in the manner to which we were accustomed, would not deliver the desired result.

So I tore up the first list and started the second.

eBay’s been good to me. We’ll see what it delivers this time.

.

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18 Comments

Filed under Matt Potter

18 responses to “god by Matt Potter

  1. Really well executed character revelation here, Matt. There are several stories going on, all at the same time. Nicely done!

  2. Cashmere and Chambre… beautiful touch! Also, all the wonderful ways this character will “get by”. There is a great story here, and I am dying to know how it ends!

  3. OMG!!! SO FUNNY. And so true, there are plenty of women like this out there! “Buy cheap chocolate and scrape the name off” totally broke me!
    Wonderful “expensive” details that really point up their lavish lifestyle!

  4. len kuntz

    so many great things in here that i’d have to copy the whole thing to list them all. you are so witty.

  5. Michelle

    hilarious and sad all at once, Matt. You manage to deliver those so well! Makes me laugh even after I’ve stopped reading….

  6. John Riley

    Hilarious. Absurd but too true. I doubt he’ll ever wake up.

  7. I’m wondering about the shallowness of the character and, indeed, if he’ll ever wake up. Nicely done, how all the little details painted a very strong picture of this character.

  8. Litany of tough decisions! Sarcastic and cynical and very funny!

  9. nobody channels joan crawford like you, mate. brilliant.

  10. very clever and dry and i loved all the details. you do rich bitches so well, and the girls’ names? priceless.

    i have so enjoyed your stories here — thanks for journeying with me. peace…

  11. guy

    Matt, i enjoyed your contributions here, this one included. Don’t stop the madness!

    I don’t think she needs a hit. Hubby’s already been poisoned. Was it Chambré? (a la Mildred Pierce), your basic double-indemnity scheme or just a suicide?

  12. Kelly

    ah, the nouveau problems of the nouveau riche, hehe. thanks for this Matt, and for all your wonderful (fictional?) personages I’ve encountered here over the past year

    • Thanks Kelly – ah, she is not me, though the idea of buying designer labels on the net because you can’t afford new was actually given to me by a friend, speaking about someone she knows … actually, I rip labels off! But a few – yes – were based on me: just the nice characters. Thanks for reading throughout the year.

  13. Matt, you are one witty, urbane, freakishly insightful writer! I have enjoyed every single week, looking forward to your magic.

  14. Pingback: Week #52 – Threesome | 52|250 A Year of Flash

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